I want to teach you four basic steps to keep yourself focused when you’re out practicing. It’s a variation on the larger method taught by Neil that Jay and I developed for quick reference at bootcamps. Neil was excited to have us share it with you.
The goal is to break down your interactions into small steps that you can easily remember, with the principle at the forefront of your practice.
I’ve also added a small section on my personal perspective of each step, which students have found valuable on their monthly coaching calls.
Open: This is when you approach and start a conversation. You’re trying to make the group comfortable, get them curious about you, and make sure the conversation continues. Be sure to add enough context for the group to understand why you’re talking to them – this is called rooting an opener.
Coach Perspective: When you open, your goal is to create a comfortable moment. This moment is the foundation for everything that follows it. If the foundation is shaky (meaning the group or person is uncomfortable) they’ll be less likely to listen to what you have to say after the opener. What makes people comfortable in a coffee shop is not the same as a beach or a high-energy nightclub. The move here is to think about how a comfortable conversation has started in this environment before, and then manufacture that experience.
Demonstrate Value: This starts the moment someone knows you exist through your looks and reputation, then continues on through your words and actions once you’re in the conversation. Keep in mind that you’re always trying to add value; you’re never trying to be perceived as taking it.
Coach Perspective: Social Value has four aspects: looks, reputation, words, and actions. In addition, social value is relative, because every person weighs these four aspects differently. Which means you should be endlessly working to improve all of these aspects.
In my experience, the best conversationalists have a combination of things they’ve said a million times (routines and identity stories) as well as the ability to improvise when necessary. They use fashion as an extension of their identity, are bold and spontaneous in action, and do their best to build reputations as unique individuals.
Convey Interest: The goal is to convey interest with proper timing and to make sure that it has emotional weight.
Coach Perspective: When it comes to showing interest, I always ignore the first thing I want to compliment them about because it’s probably been said to them before.
The more common the compliment, the less emotional weight it has.
In addition, always tell the person why whatever you’re complimenting them on is meaningful to you. The basic format: You’re awesome because…and I appreciate it because…
Last, you can compliment them whenever you want, but they shouldn’t know you’re interested in them romantically until after they’ve shown you romantic interest first. For example: “I appreciate how much traveling you’ve done” is non-sexual vs. “Your dress is painfully sexy” Which is blatantly sexual.
First Sensual Moment: Most of the time the first sensual moment comes in the form of a kiss, but not always. Whether this moment happens is based on all the steps that came before. If you’ve created a comfortable foundation, built value, and conveyed interest with proper timing – then all it should take is a bold step forward to initiate this moment.
Coach Perspective: Keep a mental checklist that will inform you that it’s time to make a bold move toward the first sexual moment:
- Is this person comfortable with you?
- Is this a comfortable place/time for a bold move?
- Did this person show you at least three signs that they’re interested?
- Did you reciprocate with an emotionally weighted interest in them?
If all of these are a yes, then it’s time say something romantic or sexual right before you make your move. One of the best things to ask is, “do you want to kiss me?” This will heighten the moment for the person you’re with, and create a point of no return for you. If they say yes and consent, you’re going to be making out. Neil’s famous Evolution Phase Shift was created for just this reason, but a simple, “Can I kiss you?” will work as well.
What I think is just as important as the going for it, is your ability to stay cool when you misread a situation. Sometimes, you will make a move and it won’t work out. If you act weird, it’s over. On the other hand, if you can keep your cool, you may have a chance somewhere down the road with this person. Here’s a great way to handle that missed moment: If you go for the kiss and the other person turns their head – own it. Say something like, “You’re awesome, and I’m really attracted to you, I would have been an idiot not to have tried.”
If things move forward, and you get to the point where you know you’re going to be having fun with some more intimate stuff, you might want to check out our course by world-famous sex guru, Jaiya. She’s an unbelievable teacher who’s worked with people all over the world, she has a wide variety of lessons and techniques that can take you and your partner (or partners) to the next level of pleasure in a comfortable and exciting way.
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